In my old blog I wrote a lot and I wrote from my heart. I lived in Haiti so I feel I felt more, saw more, prayed more. Now I am back in America and things are...well, different. I'm feeling a little down and stuck in a rut lately.
I suppose I have a new company that I am trying to make successful and that's something I should be praying about, but it honestly feels so selfish. To pray for my own success is so far removed from the prayers I used to whisper.
The truth is, I miss Haiti. I miss having a purpose. I miss the girls in my discipleship group and the relationships with my peers, the students at QCS and so so so many other people on that tiny island. I miss a place and a time that was and will never be again.
Life is paradoxical. I am still learning what this means. I know sitting in Haiti, there were lots of things I missed about America, but I knew I was in the right place. Now, living in America, I know this is where I am called and great things are happening, but I still miss Haiti...BIG TIME. Why can't I seem to ever be happy where I am. Even when things are good. I guess my heart just longs for the things it knows, but might not have at the moment.
I catch myself going back to specific moments in time of my life in Haiti. Moments together with people who will never be in the same room again. I remember telling this to my seniors towards the end of the year "slow down, you wont have many more times when you will all be in the same room together." Why didn't I take my own advice. Why didn't I think about the heaviness and application of this for my own life.
Finding your purpose and your passion, reinventing yourself, being vulnerable-who you are...
I find myself feeling so purposeless each day. I have to search for the thing my heart is calling out for. I know its something great so search I will.
Wish me luck.